Sunday E-dition: When did we stop being ‘nice’?
By Glenda Winders
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When did we stop being ‘nice’?
By Glenda Winders
NAPA VALLEY, Calif. — Since my young friend Joe has been in college he has had a part-time job at a coffee shop. He lives in California and goes to a school on the East Coast, but since the shop where he works is part of a chain, they trade him back and forth — one location during the school year, the other during holiday breaks and summer vacations. He likes the work and does it well enough to earn awards, compliments and generous tips.
This sounds like any student’s dream job, but it isn’t because of the way some members of the public treat the people who serve them. Joe tells me he and everyone with whom he works has been sworn at, mocked, called derogatory names, had fingers poked in their faces and been the recipients of obscene gestures. Customers have thrown everything from churros to heavy mugs and hot coffee at them. They threaten, ask for the impossible, and complain rudely about policies and prices over which the employees have no control.
When only one drive-through window is open, some take their drinks and leave without paying. One woman took money from the tip jar, saying they needed to learn to share. Some come in to buy for the whole office and complain rudely when their 12 or 15 or 30 drinks aren’t ready within moments. Others come to make what they perceive to be hilarious TikTok videos that in reality make messes and cause disruptions with which an already understaffed crew must contend.
Because Joe is gay, he is the recipient of an added layer of ridicule and mockery at work and everywhere else. Walking back to his dorm one night after work he was nearly run down by a police car, which then sped off as the officer called him a horrible name. Another time a man walking behind him on the campus called him names and suggested that he kill himself. “Drive-bys” — when people roll down their car windows and shout hateful names — are not uncommon. He couldn’t wait to get back to California, he told me, because people here are so much nicer. Instead, he found that they behave just as badly. The incidents happen with as much frequency on the West Coast as they do on the East.
Statistics bear out that Joe isn’t the only person suffering this kind of treatment. FBI numbers show that hate crimes in the United States rose from 10,840 in 2021 to 11,634 in 2022, many of them targeted at members of the LGBTQ+ community, according to The Guardian. USA Today reported that the Center for the Study of Hate and Extremism at California State University, San Bernardino said that hate crimes rose in the country’s 10 largest cities in 2023, which the center’s founder, Brian Levin, says reflects what is happening all across the United States. In 2022 some 17% of hate crimes were about sexual orientation, says USAFacts, with transgender people getting the worst of it.
Until my friend told me these stories, I had never given service workers much thought, and I never tipped at stores like the one where he works. I couldn’t see how a person who did nothing but ask what I wanted and take my payment earned what a tip implies. Now I know that these employees rotate their jobs, working the counter one day, preparing drinks and food the next, and then taking their turn at the window. They are responsible for stocking at the beginning of the day and cleaning up after the last shift. Joe and his cohorts divide up the tip jar at the end of the week.
“We so appreciate it when someone gives us a tip,” Joe told me, “but even if they don’t do that, we’re happy if they just smile. And if they aren’t in the mood to do that, we hope they’ll be civil.”
These are minimum-wage jobs, however, where the employer expects tips to bring workers’ earnings up to what they should be making. The next time I went to a similar place of business I made a point of putting money into the tip jar.
“You don’t have to do that,” the young woman at the counter said, her smile telegraphing that she was glad I had, “but we really appreciate it.”
I explained that I had recently learned how people who serve the public are often treated and wanted to do my part to make it better.
“Oh, you have no idea!” she said and launched into her own string of stories about abusive patrons. “I guess it just comes with service jobs and working with the public.” Her co-worker chimed in: “A man once cussed me out and called me every name he could think of because we aren’t allowed to take $50 bills.”
Another visit to a different place of business yielded the same results. As I fumbled in my purse for tip money the young man behind the counter said it wasn’t necessary. I gave my little speech again, and he told us about people who have treated him terribly, ending with, “People just aren’t very nice.” When we left, he went with us to the door, calling out, “I appreciate you guys,” as we walked to the parking lot.
It isn’t just young part-timers who get this treatment, either. On a recent trip to a home-improvement store I noticed signs by each check-out lane that said, “Thank you for treating our associates with respect. Profanity, verbal threats or violence towards our associates will not be tolerated.”
“What’s this all about?” I asked the gray-haired woman working there.
Just like the young woman at the fast-food store, her saga began with “You have no idea,” and her stories were similar, too. Threats and obscenities often result, she told me, when customers can’t find what they were looking for on the shelves. At least once a day employees have to call security because a shopper has threatened them physically.
It turns out I’m not the only one who has noticed this change in the way people treat one another. Writer and artist Austin Kleon in Austin, Texas, wrote recently, “I’ve been shocked lately by how saying ‘Hello,’ ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’ to workers in service industries often elicits surprise and wonder and gets me treated like the pope. I don’t know what is going on with most people, but it seems like a large number of us are becoming downright mean or totally oblivious to others.”
I’ve experienced what he is talking about on more than one occasion. The other evening, for example, my husband and I wanted to have dinner at our favorite pizza restaurant, but the hostess told us we would have a 45-minute wait. We said no problem — we didn’t want to wait, so we’d just come back the next day. She had been looking at us with trepidation, but when she saw that we weren’t angry, she broke into a huge smile of relief.
People who practice kindness every day of their lives can’t imagine why these things are happening. Some blame social media, others COVID, many the political climate in which we find ourselves. I’ve heard some say they believe it is fear — of climate change, authoritarianism, racism, loss of rights and the rest. But none of those reasons makes it OK to treat another person with anything less than respect.
I doubt that anyone who reads Napa Valley Features would ever behave this way, but — like me — you might not give the issue much thought unless you’re prompted. So here is your reminder: The next time you are dining out or shopping or dealing with the myriad people who work to make your life run smoothly, please just be “nice.”
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Glenda Winders is a novelist, freelance writer and copyeditor for Napa Valley Features.
Levity Corner
Caption contest. Pick your favorite caption or add your own in the comments below
Vote for your favorite in the poll below (there’s not enough room in the polls for the complete answers).
"Even in the storm, kindness blooms where it's planted."
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"In the cafe of life, be someone’s sunshine."
"Not all storms disrupt; some clear the way."
"Our barista's roots go deeper than coffee."
Or leave your own suggested caption in the comments.
Last week’s winner
Last week’s caption contest winner
"Wait, if we're all stardust, does that mean I'm part comet? That explains the tail!" with 41% of the votes.
Last Week
Tim Carl recounted his adventures in "Sunday E-dition: A journey through the shadows of Death Valley's eclipse," where he shared his experience of setting up camp in Death Valley to witness a partial solar eclipse. He described the intense weather conditions, including a harsh, sand-laden wind that forced him to seek shelter in his truck. Carl also reflected on previous eclipse experiences and how they influenced his decision to return to Death Valley, a place that holds significant personal meaning. During the eclipse, he joined a small group of spectators at Badwater Basin, experiencing a rare communal moment of awe as they observed the sun partially obscured by the moon. Carl's narrative highlighted both the physical and reflective aspects of experiencing such a celestial event in a strikingly harsh yet beautiful environment.
Sasha Paulsen highlighted Dina Saalisi's holistic healing work in "Earth Day special: Flower power in St. Helena — the healing arts of Dina Saalisi." Saalisi, based in St. Helena, uses flower remedies to address emotional and physical imbalances and leads full-moon meditations and sound baths. A practitioner of Edward Bach's teachings, she emphasizes holistic healing by treating the person, not the disease. Saalisi's approach combines spirituality and nature, aiming to empower people to find healing and connection through the energetic qualities of flowers.
Paul Wagner detailed the development of Napa Valley's new Suscol Headwaters trails, led by trail-design expert Kevin Smallman and a group of dedicated volunteers. These volunteers are essential in shaping the 709-acre park's trails, accessible only through a rigorous hike via Skyline Park. The Napa County Regional Park and Open Space District, operating since 2006 without a dedicated tax base, relies heavily on volunteer efforts and grant funding to manage its expansive land and trail systems. This project not only expands access but also highlights the importance of community involvement in preserving and enhancing local natural resources.
Cindy Watter discussed growing lavender in Napa Valley's Mediterranean climate in "Thriving with lavender: Master Gardener tips for Napa's ideal climate." She highlighted the success she found with lavender in this region, compared to less favorable climates and provided tips from Julie Thompson, a local Master Gardener. Thompson suggests specific varieties suitable for culinary and decorative use and emphasizes the importance of sandy, well-drained soil, adequate sunlight and minimal watering. Watter's insights include practical advice on soil preparation and the benefits of organic fertilizers to encourage flowering over foliage growth.
Dan Berger critiqued domestic red wine blends and varietals in "Dan Berger’s Varietal Views: red blends," expressing his preference for wines that offer more complexity and better complement food. He discussed the history of varietal wines in the United States, noting that current standards require varietal wines to contain at least 75% of the labeled grape, but argued that many wines still don't reflect their varietal names accurately due to the practice of blending up to 25% of other grapes. Berger praised well-made blends from cooler regions and smaller, independent wineries that focus on unique, lesser-known grape varieties. He recommended the 2022 Lucy Gamay Noir from Monterey County as an example of high-quality, distinctive California wine.
Tim Carl addressed concerns about the focus of Napa Valley Features in his column "Under the Hood: The elephant in the room." He discussed the challenges local journalism faces due to declining advertising revenue, highlighting a significant drop from $49.4 billion in 2005 to $9.8 billion in 2022. This economic downturn has forced many publications to reduce coverage or shut down, affecting civic engagement and community knowledge. Napa Valley Features has adopted a subscription-only model to maintain editorial independence and focus on impactful community topics without the conflicts of interest that often accompany advertising and grant funding. While the publication currently focuses heavily on the wine industry due to its significant role in the local economy and the expertise of its contributors, it aims to expand its investigative reporting and cover a broader range of issues as resources allow.
Next Week
We’ll have more interesting articles from a host of Napa Valley Features contributors. Glenda Winders will express the power of appreciation within the service sector in "The Sunday E-dition: When did we stop being ‘nice’?” while Rebecca Yerger will guide readers through a SH Garden tour. Dave Stoneberg will spotlight the UpStage Napa Valley, and our Master Gardener will impart wisdom on local horticulture. Berger is set to delve into the world of Napa Valley wines, and the Weekender will offer a curated guide to the region's happenings. For our paid subscribers, Carl will provide an in-depth look at Napa's top taxpayer in "Under the Hood." Alongside these pieces, expect even more insights and information.
I live in a very small town now in a county with about 15 K people. We are supportive of our assistants in whatever capacity we require help because they are somebody’s child/grandchild/neighbor. Over population and no roots of community members cause folks to feel they can be rude to the unknown person serving them. That is my thought. My granddaughter is a server in Yountville and she has experienced all the bad behavior that can be experienced.
This article is heartbreaking. The lack of respectful, decent behavior is apparent in many areas of our lives. It seems the Golden Rule, which many of us were taught as children, is a thing of the past. We all get frustrated from time to time with situations like long lines, higher prices, supply shortages, and under-trained employees when we are out shopping or ordering food somewhere. These are NOT reasons to verbally abuse people. Something I try very hard to remember is to ask myself 3 questions before I show anger: Is it correct or truthful? Is it necessary? And most importantly, Is it kind? Kindness and good manners cost nothing, and go a long way to diffuse difficult situations. Thank you for writing and publishing this.