Talking Politics Without Ruining the Holidays
By Ashley Awe
Editor's note: As the holidays approach, Napa Valley Features is pleased to share this timely new piece by Ashley Awe, senior communications specialist at Mentis. Just in time for family gatherings, Awe offers thoughtful strategies for navigating political conversations with empathy and understanding. We hope this guide helps bring a little more connection to your holiday table.
NAPA VALLEY, Calif. — It’s the sentence that strikes fear into everyone sitting around the dining table on Christmas Eve. One moment Bing Crosby is playing quietly in the background and you’re carving into the roast beef, when suddenly you hear, “What do you think of [insert any political issue here]?” You have a few options: You can act like you didn’t hear, or you can try changing the subject. In extreme cases, you might consider chucking the mashed potatoes across the table. But here’s another idea: You could take the bait and talk about politics.
It has been widely reported that too much exposure to politics is bad for our mental health. Indeed, politics are a major everyday stressor for Americans. But there’s a flip side to this, too: Having an appropriate amount of empathy for others is key to building stronger community and relationships. It can even make us more resilient; healthcare professionals with higher levels of empathy are less likely to experience burnout and their patients have improved outcomes.
Listening to someone does not mean that you must agree with everything they say, but it gives you the chance to find common ground.
As the United States has become increasingly politically polarized, I often hear folks express the sentiment that finding empathy in political discussions used to be possible but isn’t anymore. They feel like it’s unfair and one-sided, like they are expected to empathize with someone who won’t empathize with them. Let me be clear: I am not suggesting that we become so empathetic that we tolerate an intolerance to our own core beliefs. But I have observed that many people actually have shared goals for our country, just differing views on how to get there. Many people are more flexible in their beliefs than they appear at first glance. I believe that if we can find that tiny spark of shared beliefs and goals, over time and with repeated effort, it might grow into a mighty flame.
Without further ado, here are some tips on discussing politics in a way that might fuel empathy and hopefully not end with the mashed potatoes strewn about the floor.
Make it a one-on-one conversation. It’s significantly harder to have a meaningful conversation when you’re shouting across the table.
Ask questions and listen. When someone asks you your opinion about a political issue, ask them their opinion instead. Follow up with questions about why they feel that way and restate what they’ve said back to them to ensure understanding. Some readers might recognize these as key parts of active listening. Listening to someone does not mean that you must agree with everything they say, but it gives you the chance to find common ground. When someone expresses anger and frustration at a dysfunctional system, this gives you the chance to say, “I agree with you on that. I am also angry and frustrated at this system.”
Don’t use the slogans. Instead, say what you believe. Let’s use an example from my own life. If I tell people, “I’m a dog person,” a shocking number of people interpret that to mean that I dislike cats. That’s not true at all! I love cats, but I don’t know how to care for them and I can’t figure out how to read their body language. As a result, I think it would be irresponsible for me to adopt a cat. If slogans are used, folks jump to conclusions about what you mean.
Of course, you should sometimes avoid political conversations and should use your best judgment on when to do so. In situations where you feel like a conversation about politics will inevitably end in screaming and crying, it might be best for you to change the subject or to set a boundary. Making eye contact and firmly saying, “It’s the holidays and I’m not OK with discussing politics,” can do a lot to preserve our mental well-being. This advice applies only if a civil conversation is possible. If the person you’re talking with is trying to instigate an argument, there is no shame in not engaging with them. You are the only one who can make this judgment for yourself.
I believe that if we can find that tiny spark of shared beliefs and goals, over time and with repeated effort, it might grow into a mighty flame.
Conversations about politics are rarely easy, and they are particularly difficult to navigate during the holidays. In fact, the combined effects of political and holiday stress have a negative impact on Americans’ mental health. In many cases, you might be best served by completely avoiding conversations about politics. But if you see a sliver of hope that you might build empathy with someone else, it might be worth it to give it a try.
If you or someone you love is experiencing a mental health crisis, call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
If you or someone you love needs mental health or wellness support, please visit our Mentis Community and Youth Resource Database. Mentis is one of Napa’s oldest nonprofits and provides bilingual, affordable mental health services to people of every age and income level.
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Ashley Awe works at Mentis as the senior communications specialist. With undergraduate degrees in political science and English literature from the University of California San Diego, she is dedicated to bridging gaps in communication among groups and individuals. When she is not working, you can find her sewing, knitting or reading.