Article Summary: This column explores the emotional challenges many people face during the holiday season, emphasizing that stress, grief and fatigue are common and valid experiences. It encourages readers to release unrealistic expectations, prioritize personal well-being and find meaning in small, grounding moments. The piece offers permission to say no, make space for mixed emotions and seek genuine connection rather than perfection. Ultimately, it advocates for a more intentional, compassionate approach to the holidays — one that honors both joy and hardship.
NAPA VALLEY, Calif. — The holiday season may be “the most wonderful time of the year”: a stretch of weeks filled with sparkling celebration, generosity and togetherness. But for many of us it can also be one of the most stressful. Packed schedules, financial pressure, family tensions, travel, grief and the weight of heightened expectations can leave us feeling stretched thin at a time when we’re “supposed” to be feeling joyful. And when our emotional bandwidth shrinks, even small challenges (a delayed shipment, an overcrowded grocery store, a last-minute schedule-change) can knock us off balance.
“Holiday stress often thrives in the gaps between expectations and reality.” — Charlotte Hajer
If this sounds familiar, you’re not alone. Stress during the holidays is so very common, and perhaps acknowledging that truth is the first step toward managing it. The second step, then, is giving ourselves permission to approach the season a little differently: with intention, compassion and a willingness to redefine what really matters.
Resetting Expectations
Holiday stress often thrives in the gaps between expectations and reality. We imagine Hallmark movie-worthy gatherings, Michelin-star meals and grateful, happy families. But since when has real life ever matched what we see on TV? Real life is messy, especially at this time of year. Kids get overstimulated, elders get tired, travel gets chaotic. We can’t press pause on our emotions, our traumas or our frustrations just because it’s December.
Letting go of the movie version of the holidays doesn’t have to make the season any less special. In fact, a little reality might enhance it. When we approach gatherings with flexible expectations, we have more room for grace when something doesn’t go to plan. Remind yourself: It’s OK if things don’t go perfectly. It’s OK if someone is late, if the biscuits burn, if a conversation gets awkward. Connection and meaning aren’t built on perfection. They’re built on presence.
What Actually Nourishes You?
During the holidays, it’s easy to slip into autopilot and say yes to everything: every event, cookie exchange, volunteer shift or request for help. And before you know it, your calendar is full, your energy is low and your holiday spirit feels like another item on the to-do list.
So what if you asked yourself a question this year: What actually brings you joy and meaning? For some people, it might be spending time with family. For others, it’s volunteering, walking in nature or a quiet evening at home. Whatever it is — it’s valid. If something drains you more than it fills you, it’s OK to say no — kindly, clearly and without guilt. When you protect your emotional energy, you have more to give to the moments and people that matter most.
Zoom in
Holidays are all about grand plans: large gatherings, even bigger meals and unforgettable gifts. But it’s in the small spaces between them where you might find your sustenance and replenish your joy. So even when you’re rushing at the speed of twinkle lights, try to keep an eye out for those small opportunities to ground yourself. Maybe it’s two deep breaths before you get out of the car or a stretch before bed. Maybe you can indulge in a cup of tea (or hot chocolate) without having to multitask. Whatever it is, let these small moments reset your nervous system and remind you that you don’t have to rush from big event to grand gesture without pause.
Honor Mixed Emotions and Personal Histories
The holidays don’t feel joyous for everyone. Many people carry grief, loneliness or complicated family dynamics into the season. Some feel the absence of loved ones more sharply this time of year. If the holidays bring up mixed emotions for you, know that all of these feelings are absolutely valid.
Instead of forcing cheerfulness, try making space for whatever you’re feeling. Talk to a friend. Journal. Reach out to a support group. Seek connection with people who make you feel safe. Sometimes the most healing thing we can do is to acknowledge, gently and honestly, that this time of year is hard — and still allow small moments of light where they show up.
And let’s give this same grace to those around us. If a co-worker, friend or loved one isn’t feeling the holiday joy, give them some space and offer support.
Build in Recovery Time
Holiday schedules can be packed — but rest is a non-negotiable part of mental well-being. If you can, intentionally schedule some downtime — an open evening on the calendar, a morning without commitments or an extra hour of sleep.
Think of recovery time as a gift to your future self. A short pause will deliver you back to your families, friends and responsibilities with renewed patience, clarity and warmth.
Lean Into Connection — the Real Kind
Ultimately, the point of the holiday season is connection: with our loved ones, our community and ourselves. But as I wrote above, meaningful connection doesn’t come from rushing, or striving for the perfect celebration. It comes from presence. It thrives on those small moments of honesty, shared stories and support.
As the pace picks up this year, hopefully this column gives you permission to slow down just a little — to notice the things that make you smile, to take the breaks you need, to reach out to someone who might be struggling. To offer kindness — to others and to yourself.
Services / Resources
General Resources:
If you or someone you love needs mental health or wellness support, please visit our Mentis Community and Youth Resource Database. Mentis is one of Napa’s oldest nonprofits and provides bilingual, affordable mental health services to people of every age and income level.
Veteran Focused Resources:
If you’d like to connect with the Veterans Service Office, please call (707) 253-4558 or email vets@napavets.com.
If you are a veteran or someone who supports a veteran in crisis, call the Veterans Crisis Line at 988 and press 1, or text 838255 for 24/7, confidential support — no VA enrollment required.
Charlotte Hajer is Mentis’ development director. She holds a Ph.D. in cross-cultural mental health and loves to write about the ways individuals experience and navigate the social and cultural world around them.
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Thank you for this helpful article. At nearly 80, I still struggle with my own expectations of MYSELF, but this year I did cut back in a way that has been helpful. Knowing that this season is not Happy for many, and having recently had my own big losses, I am doing my best to meet my own needs while also working to be present with loved ones and others. Giving myself permission to slow it all down has been, and continues to be a challenge. A life long struggle, but a bit better this year. I have no pressure from outside, it is all self induced. How crazy is that. Your words are right on in this house, and no doubt in many others. May we each have what we need to celebrate this growing daylight, the innocence of youth, and finding joy wherever it is to be found.