Mentis Moment: The Psychological Perspective Behind Humble Pie
By John Bennett and Maya Frazier
Summary: A chance exchange during a game night becomes a lesson in how personal experience can distort assumptions about safety, equity and other people’s lives. John Bennett and Maya Frazier connect that moment to cognitive distortions, false consensus effect and the need to listen when others describe realities we have not lived. The essay argues that humility, discomfort and a willingness to center marginalized voices are necessary parts of allyship and community life.
“Ignoring the experiences of others, especially those with less privilege or systemic power, is how we perpetuate inequality.”
NAPA VALLEY, Calif – About four years ago, I said something I definitely should not have. My group of friends had rented an old bar for our monthly game night. The atmosphere was ripe with laughter, a slew of conversations and activities overlapped. It was easy to float about, switching from station to station as one pleased.
The Moment of Realization
We were playing a round of “Quiplash” with eight of us connected to a lopsided television hooked to a brick wall. The premise was simple: A prompt appeared on the screen, and the group voted on the funniest answer. We were in a rhythm when a prompt appeared on the screen:
“If everybody from the opposite sex disappeared for a day, what would you do?”
The winning response popped up:
“Jog at night.”
“Wait, why? Can’t we do that already?” the words spilled out of my mouth before I could process them. I realized how ignorant that sounded by the time I finished the sentence.
A friend twirled her wine glass and gave me a long look. “You can,” she said, emphasizing the you. “That’s your truth, not ours.”
Cognitive Distortions and Our “Truth”
We are all susceptible to cognitive distortions — a psychological term for irrational thinking. In that moment, I fell into a trap of viewing the world entirely through my own male perspective. Because I had never felt unsafe jogging alone at night, I assumed that experience was universal. I was wrong.
My experiences are not reflective of the nuanced world we live in. Neither are yours. We tend to suffer from a false consensus effect, a cognitive bias where we overestimate how many people see the world through our own lens.
It reminds me of a comic by Nathan W. Pyle where two eagles discuss whether an owl is a predator. Eagle B says, “Of course not, he’s never bothered me.” They conclude the owl isn’t dangerous, dismissing the mouse’s perspective entirely because it doesn’t align with their lived experience.
Why It Matters: Centering Equity
Ignoring the experiences of others, especially those with less privilege or systemic power, is how we perpetuate inequality. This is especially vital to recognize during months like Black, Indigenous and People of Color appreciation periods. True allyship requires us to stop being the “clueless eagle” and start inviting everyone, including Mr. Mouse, to the table.
How do we do this? How do we stop assuming that our reality is the only reality?
Listen to lived experiences: Believe people when they share their struggles, even (and especially) when those struggles don’t match your own.
Lean into discomfort: Being wrong is embarrassing. When we feel that “pain” of being challenged, we often double down to protect our egos. That is the moment to choose growth over defensiveness.
Expand your horizon: Read, listen and learn from perspectives outside your own background.
Taking the Bite
When I invalidated my friend’s experience, I felt a sharp sting of cognitive dissonance, the mental conflict between my self-image as a feminist and my actual biased behavior. I had two choices: double down and claim she had no reason to worry or accept the slice of humble pie.
I chose the latter. I apologized: “I’m sorry. I didn’t think that all the way through.”
As we act as members of this community, we must strive for that humility. Whether we are discussing systemic inequity or daily microaggressions, the goal is not to be perfect, it is to be open to learning. Let us show up in ways that make space for everyone’s truth, ensuring that marginalized voices are not just heard but centered in our collective reality.
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John Bennett is a bilingual prevention specialist and Maya Frazier is a mental health therapist at Mentis.
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Mental Healthcare Services
If you or someone you love is experiencing a mental health crisis, call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
If you or someone you love needs mental health or wellness support, please visit our Mentis Community and Youth Resource Database. Mentis is one of Napa’s oldest nonprofits and provides bilingual, affordable mental health services to people of every age and income level.
If you are a veteran or someone who supports a veteran in crisis, call the Veterans Crisis Line at 988 and press 1, or text 838255 for 24/7, confidential support — no VA enrollment required.
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