The power of forgiveness
By Dave Stoneberg
CALISTOGA, Calif. — Dr. Fred Luskin says he’s not a forgiveness expert, although he has studied the art of forgiveness for decades as founder of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project.
“It started because I was miserably and badly hurt and I couldn’t cope,” Luskin said. “I was a mess. I had a meditation practice for 20 years and I was a licensed therapist and I was still a mess.”
“One day when I was being cranky, bitter and unhappy, my wife came to me and said, ‘Fred, I still love you, I just don’t like you as much. This hurt that you have, this offense, this wound, stop. Just grow up,’ she said. She was a nice human being, so she probably said it more kindly than I heard it, but it was like, grow up. Growing up ain’t easy.”
“We are all broken human beings,” Luskin said, “but as near as I can tell, our purpose in life is to grow up, to take responsibility for ourselves, to stop blaming other people and things for the way we live and to grow in our ability to be kind. I would say in my 69 years on this planet, that’s as close as I can see to what our purpose is.”
It’s not easy, as Luskin added, but that’s the way to becoming a fuller and more robust human being.
Do you think you should forgive the person who has done you wrong? Yes, but not for the reason you probably believe. You should forgive that person to help yourself, for your own peace of mind and so you don’t experience endless suffering.
During a recent phone interview, Luskin was asked why we should forgive people.
“You know, it’s funny. I’m giving a talk tomorrow to a group with some Palestinians and some Israelis, and they’re going to ask me that question with a whole lot more hostility than you just asked me.”
The simple answer is that “We forgive people to save ourselves,” Luskin said.
“We forgive others, we forgive ourselves because in an imperfect world, where everybody’s behavior has weaknesses, if we don’t forgive then we are engaged in endless, endless suffering. Forgiveness is a tool where we cleanse ourselves of bitterness of mind, and bitterness of heart so that we are free to experience the goodness of our own lives.”
Forgiveness “is essential in a world where there will be so much disappointment because nobody is perfect and life isn’t perfect and people make mistakes and people screw up and people do all sorts of things. Without a mechanism (forgiveness) for wiping that slate clean and moving on without prejudice, it’s just endless suffering. The biggest example of that is marriage. If you paid attention to every single time that human beings in a marriage disappoint each other, then every marriage would end.
“I can register disappointment, I can be angry, I can be sad, I can feel all of these essential emotions, but I don’t stay stuck in them. That’s the forgiveness piece.”
Luskin has run the Stanford University Forgiveness Project for at least 25 years, and he and the Rev. William “Father Mac” McIlmoyl, rector at St. Luke’s Episcopal Church in Calistoga, have been friends for nearly 20. On a recent Sunday at St. Luke’s, Luskin preached at the church.
Father Mac said he first learned of Luskin years ago, when a flier came across his desk at Grace Episcopal Church in St. Helena, where he served for years before serving at Calistoga’s St. Luke’s church. The flier was advertising a recovery conference at Stanford University dealing with addiction and medicine.
He approached Dr. Diane Hambrick, who — before she retired — served as the medical director at St. Helena Hospital’s inhouse addiction rehabilitation facility. A member of Grace Episcopal Church, Hambrick told Mac that the speakers were the “rock stars” of addiction medicine who were doing cutting-edge work on people who are addicted. The two made plans to attend the conference. When they arrived, they looked over the list of speakers, and Hambrick told Mac that she didn’t recognize one person: Dr. Fred Luskin.
When he spoke in the afternoon, Father Mac said he was wearing a flannel shirt and sweatpants, looking like he had left the house before his wife stopped him to comb his hair. But then he spoke, and what he said about forgiveness blew Father Mac away.
As director of the Forgiveness Institute, Luskin speaks to people all over the world, and as a scientist he began his study by talking with Protestants and Catholics from Northern Ireland. Years ago, Father Mac asked Luskin to come and speak in St. Helena, which he did and then again lately to come and speak to the congregation at St. Luke’s.
“Mac and I have been friends now for almost 20 years,” Luskin said. “There’s something about the atmosphere that he encourages that is such a good thing in this day and age. Churches are hemorrhaging parishioners, but there is something inviting about how Mac does his work.”
Luskin said both St. Luke’s and Grace Episcopal are so welcoming, spiritual but not dogmatic – my way or the highway – which is pretty rare in his experience.
“I’m going to come back to Mac’s church in a couple of months because I enjoyed it and it gives me a chance to say hi to Mac. It’s all good. It warms my heart. It’s like the little engine that could; it’s the little church that could. It was lovely.”
Luskin’s nine steps to forgiveness
1. First, be aware of your feelings.
2. Know that forgiveness is for your own sake.
3. Do not expect reconciliation.
4. Recognize how the event is affecting you in the present.
5. Learn to activate the relaxation response.
6. Concentrate on what you can control.
7. Move on.
8. Be the agent of change in your life.
9. Change the story.
Dave Stoneberg is an editor and journalist who has worked for newspapers in both Lake and Napa counties.
Outstanding. Wouldn't the world be a better place if we all followed Dr. Luskin's advice. Let me know when Dr. Luskin will be joining Father Mac again at St. Luke's. I would like to meet both of them. Thank you for such an inspiring article.
Thank you for such an important message. Truly inspiring.